Smith T. Aames

So I first read this guy's reviews when I was looking up this book. Yes, I know. The man is a great though, although maybe it's because I wish he was real.

I give you some of his finest quotes:

On this:
"Christians do not need calculus, nor its predecessor, pre-calculus. If you are really a Christian school you will not teach math at all."

On this:
"I continue to be disappointed at the need to dismount the Segway to use toilet facilities..."

On this:
"sometimes a man just needs to get down and dirty with a sweet, sweet anatomically correct torso. Am I right, boys? One of the best parts of Sweet Sue Torso is that if you're, ahem, a tight fit, you can remove various internal organs to help Sue better accomodate you."

On this:
"Indeed, Wild Things 2 could merge with the films from the Girls Gone Wild franchise. The new films would be called Girls Gone Wild Things and would always include a central threesome scene featuring girl-on-girl liplock. I have developed an incredible urge to relieve the sexual tension I have created in my pants just thinking about this possibility. And so I must end this review."